An Ode To My Mental Illness

this is an ode to my mental illness:

an ode to she who takes up space,

she who makes me sleep,

she who makes me think,

and she who keeps me up.

this is an ode to my mental illness:

an ode to my best friend,

an ode to my worst enemy,

an ode to a part of me i’ve never understood.

she makes her presence known in my art,

she makes her presence known in my demeanor,

she likes to take up space,

this is an ode to her.

i sometimes wonder what my life would be without you,

how my mind would function,

what relationships i’d have,

i’ve spent days, months, years,

mourning:

the life i could have had,

the person i could have been,

the opportunities i would have never missed,

i’ve spent years,

mourning.

i love you, oh i love you so much

i love how you make me different,

i love how you make me miserable,

oh how you piece me together.

i love how you can take the pain away,

making me numb

i love how you keep me floating,

just enough to drown

i love it because i have to,

i love it because the alternative is not,

not to be,

not to exist,

not to occupy this body,

this vest,

not to write art,

not to fantasize,

i love it because,

i have to.

you’ve taken me to the darkest of places,

you’ve kept me in endless loops,

you’ve left me no choice

but to drown,

to keep drowning,

and drowning,

but you’ve also held my hand

and lept me up,

just enough

enough to stay alive,

enough to live through another day,

enough to let you in,

and accept you

enough to accept that there’s no overcoming you,

there’s no getting rid of you.

you are the gift i was given,

the plate i was served,

you are my ancestors gift to me.

we have to hold hands you and i,

because there is no overcoming,

we have to work together you and i,

because that’s the hand we have been dealt

without you i would not be here,

and without me you wouldn’t be here either.

you make me, me.

you give me hell but you make me me.

and there is no overcoming,

only acceptance.