FORGIVENESS LAID BARE

Forgiveness- the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance (however justified it might be).

Forgiveness is a concept most of us have from birth. If you hadn’t noticed, children are the most forgiving people there is. But something happens along the way, we tend to hold on to things, and in turn build up resentment. Resentment and forgiveness do not go hand in hand and holding on to the former hinders you from the latter.

I have build my whole personality based off resentment. I hate to say it but there are a lot of people I only tolerate because I told myself I’d forgiven them but deep inside, a part of me still resents them for the things they’ve done to me in the past. It’s not a great thing to say but I’m being as honest and transparent as I can.

Resentment can sometimes manifest itself as triggers. If something someone says or does triggers you or brings up feelings of something they have done to you in the past, it sometimes means you simply haven’t forgiven them. A lot of people are in relationships with people they resent, marriages with people they resent. Simply because you’ve told yourself you’ve forgiven them but at what cost?

The reason we feel like we are so obligated to forgive people is because we’ve been made to feel like we are bad people for simply requiring more time to heal and accept things as they are. How many times have you had to “forgive” someone just because you felt you had to but your heart still hurt? Do you ever consider that maybe someone feels the same way towards you?

So, back to me. I built my life around resentment. Resenting people I love for things they’d apologized for yet I never really forgave them for. This resentment took over me to a stage where I no longer care(d) how they felt, or how my actions made them feel because to me, I was justified for acting the way I acted.

I’ve had situations with my friends where they’d express how I hurt them and the best apology I could come up with was by saying I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not sorry for what I did. I would literally acknowledge why my actions would hurt them but not regret them at all. A part of me still does this, I’m not writing about this cause I’ve stopped. I’m writing about it because I’m now self aware, and I want you to be too.

Failing to forgive others often stems from failing to forgive yourself. When people wrong you, the first instinct is always to blame yourself. I’ve blamed myself for how people chose to treat me several times.

“Maybe I just wasn’t a good friend to them. Maybe I should have done better. It was probably my fault. “

All the blame ringing down your ear so why must it be the other person you forgive?

Why not forgive yourself? Are you not worth forgiveness? This many sound very bitter but if you ask me, it’s better to forgive yourself first before taking into consideration the other person. Be a little selfish. Even if technically there’s nothing to forgive yourself for but you can forgive yourself for blaming yourself because you don’t deserve it.

When you say you have forgiven but you really haven’t, the other person is set free and it’s left to you. You’re the one who gets triggered and you’re the one carrying around so much resentment that couldn’t potentially hurt you. It’s important to forgive people wholeheartedly, for your own sanity. Ask yourself why you can’t forgive them and why it still hurts you so much, be honest with yourself and seek the root of it all, for this is for your own healing.

Forgive yourself, and forgive others. If you’re religious, pray about it. Pray against carrying grudges and resentment towards people you love because that stuff tarnishes your soul and only affects you. In my blog post Mental housecleaning I talked about how sometimes our own minds can be our vices and how to manifest healing upon your life, all this sums up together in the topic of healing and self help. If you haven’t read it, check it out.

So yes, I’m working on forgiving people. I’m working on letting go of the things people have done to me that still ring down my head each time I think of them, you should too. And if you have any suggestions, leave them down in the comments. I’d love to hear from you!

Here is a poem I wrote a few months ago when I was so sick and tired of people expecting me to be there for them while all they’ve ever done is hurt me and make my life all about them. I guess sometimes your heart grows defensive against its offender but that doesn’t always mean healing.

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